Hush now, Your words are ringing in my ears, Stinging my eyes. I'll sit quietly, If you'd like. Then, maybe you'll be able to read my thoughts better. I won't give you honesty, You'll have to tear me apart to get it. It'll be a treasure that you've rusted. That you've taken for granted. But don't blame yourself, Don't worry. It's easier this way. I'll give you what you want, Solitude. And you can never change.
Love.
—It trumps even the King of Hearts,
Try as he may to run from it.
In vein we hope our blood carries these feelings,
Because our fist-sized muscle is the heart
Of all these cherishing feelings.
What purpose do we have but to try and smile,
To try and love?
To use our mind to its fullest potential,
To weigh logic over feelings,
It's but a wistful dream.
Yet still,
We try to sort these feelings into boxes clearly labeled,
All neatly stacked and folded.
We roll around in thoughts and theories,
That lead to open doors,
And dead-end feelings.
Love does nothing but riddle the mind,
Until we find ourselves drowning in late-night philosophies
That only hurt ourselves.
It's all but a foolish, fitful dream.
Thoughts are so meaningless at the end of the day,
All they do is keep you occupied
—hauntings that cannot seem to escape you,
Trick you with false hopes and expectations and wishes,
When the night falls and smothers the sunlight,
And every shadow blends together into one large heap of darkness,
We are overcome by sleep.
And those thoughts matter not.
Our dreams replace those thoughts,
Beautiful and Terrifying,
But, at least with dreams,
We won’t remember much about them in the morning.
As of 9:20pm yesterday, it will have been one week. I’ve been keeping track, almost enough as if we could have an “anniversary” for it. That would be amusing, just like you and I. If we can’t get the date correct the days we were together why should it be so hard to count them when we’re apart? Surely you should be counting, to see how long it will take you to change. People don’t change, though, and eventually I’ll forget what number we were up to.
Now, I look at all those girls that flock to you and I wonder how long they’ve followed you like puppies. I am not stupid. I see all and say nothing, always believing that your smile —so pure when it showed– reflected your heart and your mind. I believed you were faithful to me and me alone. For more than 150 days I was deceived like a dazed lamb; for all those days you pretended to love, when all you truly did was lust for attention.
I imagine you saying, “I love you.” too often. I imagine those words uttered to other girls, more beautiful and smart and funny and stable in the mind.
Sometimes, I hear my name after that proclamation, with your voice ringing with sincerity and charm, with sickening mischief and falsehood. When I see couples in the street or in the hallways at school, I imagine what your lips would’ve been like. I think of all those girls before me who you’ve dirtied, stealing their sweet innocence with your manipulation. I imagine you kissing them, too. I imagine you kissing that girl, declaring your love for her, and then turning around to face me with the exact same smile.
I wonder who you really loved. Her,right? Otherwise you would not have taken her too. If you hadn’t loved her, you would have said no. You didn’t love me, so she was there to make it okay. I was your dog and she was your damsel.
Do you wake up in the morning and think of me?
Do you miss me?
Do you wish you had been selfless to me that day?
Do you find yourself fine with the result?
Do you not mind having lost me?
Do you still love me, even a little?
Are you still with that girl?
Now that I left, it’s okay to not tell her. She’ll never have to know, and you can continue loving her, start being faithful like a lying cheating coward.
I’m jealous of this girl. This girl who was your childhood friend, who helped you through tough times, who you cared about enough that you could not say no to her on pain of my death. This girl who did all the things I could never dream to achieve. I never had your heart, did I? Not once did I help you through such difficult times. You had her to do that. What did I do?
What?
Tell me.
Why did you keep me around?
I can’t understand it.
Tears run down my face at the thought of you.
At the thought of you loving her, and using me.
What good was I?
It was all lies, so why did you not throw me away immediately?
You having compassion? Ha.
Where is that compassion, love? Everything you said to me was twisted with lies.
You never cared about me, or my life. I was neither your companion nor lover nor friend. I was a lonely girl who fell for a heartless boy.
I said I may listen if you change, but why should I give you the time of day when I never received such a thing from you? Why should you be rewarded with my friendship? Why do you deserve happiness that’s passed down from me? You stole my happiness in the first place. You used it until you were satisfied, and then slaughtered what remained.
When you change, will you try once more to seduce me? Will you want me back?
Will you again, fall for me, if you had ever done so in the first place? Will I fall for you again?
That answer is no.
I am filled with a deep anger and pain at the thought of who you truly are, yet a sad and still tender love for the person who I thought you were.
I love you, I just don’t like you anymore, and I’ll never like you again.
“How long have we been sitting here?” I whispered.
There was no answer, and my eyes shifted to the left side of the elevator.
“What, you don’t want to talk to me now?” I spat, my eyes narrowing.
It was too quiet, and I turned my body towards the door.
“Hey…” I nervously chided. “Where did you go?”
I crawled toward the door and pressed my hands against it, desperately trying to pry it apart.
“I didn’t mean what I said, so please come back! I swear, I’ll never say anything so horrible again; please don’t leave me all alone in here!” I began slamming my fists into the doors, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Let me out! Let me out, please! Come back, I swear I’ll take it back! I’ll take it all back if it means I don’t have to be left alone in here!”
“…What are you going on about now, Akira?”
I spun around, tears pricking my eyes. “Rhain!”
“What?”
“I thought you left!” I sobbed, moving towards him to wrap my arms around his neck. I could feel his body become tense.
“Left? And how would I manage that exactly?” He muttered into my ear. I inhaled in expectancy as he grabbed onto my arms, but was met instead by me being pushed roughly off of him as he stood up.
I stared up at him, anxiety tugging at the back of my mind. “Hey…” I raised my arm as a gesture for him to help me up.
His eyes shifted down to glare at me, and he made no move to grab my waiting hand. “What?” he spat again.
“You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?” I choked out, lowering my arm again.
“What makes you think that?” he laughed sarcastically, moving to the other corner of the elevator –the farthest place possible from me.
I felt like screaming again. We had been stuck in this lavished elevator for hours and hours, and still he wouldn’t forgive me. Isn’t it a known fact that when people are put in tough situations they end up being brought closer together? I watched as Rhain looked down at his wrist watch. I’m sure he was thinking the same thing as I –we missed our appointment.
“Odd…” he muttered.
Rhain has a habit of talking to himself in a voice quiet enough that no one can hear him, but given the circumstances, I could easily hear what he was saying.
“What’s odd?”
He turned and scowled at me, as if I had said something horrible all over again.
“My watch isn’t working.”
“What do you mean it’s not working?”
“Exactly what it sounds like Akira. It’s set as the same time it did when the elevator stopped moving.”
“So we don’t know how long we’ve been stuck here?” I whispered, the anxiety coming back.
“Obviously. God, you can be so stupid sometimes.”
“Hey…”
“What?”
I bit my lip. If I told him what I wanted to say, he would probably just get madder, and that’s the opposite direction I wanted his mood to swing.
“Nothing.” I smiled.
A sigh escaped his lips. Again, it was quiet –meant only for his own ears to hear– but I invaded that sanctuary anyway. I feel like I’ve always been doing that, since the day we got married.
“Hey, Akira.”
I flinched at his tone. It wasn’t that it was harsh like it had been this whole entire day, it was the opposite –soft, sweet, and melancholy. It was the kind of thing I imagined he felt every morning he woke up to go to work and I was still sleeping on the couch.
“Y-yeah?”
“Do you think this counseling will make a difference anyway?”
“What?”
“I mean, do you think we’re even fixable?”
I smiled up at him, tears brimming my eyes. If I cried now, surely he would get angry at me again. I simply nodded, not saying a word. My mind was suddenly blank. What could I say to him? He had given up on us a long time ago, yet he still was willing to come with me to this appointment today, but when we walked into this elevator doors we never imagined we would get stuck.
Every Thursday morning at approximately 7:10 AM, I take Jaeden and sneak out to the Crypt before the moon is fully set in the west. The carpeted floor muffles my footsteps as I slip past Mum and Papa’s chamber, sure to take ever most care as I crawl down the narrow staircase that leads out of The Tower.
The frozen gravel is cold against my bare feet, and for a brief moment I curl my toes in the dark gravel and cringe. The wind blows low and cold; the howl that it makes being the only thing that breaks the deafening silence of the outside. That, and the screeching of crows.
My footfall grows quick and restless as the distance between me and The Tower grows wider. If I don’t get away fast enough, the hounds will be after me. They can smell me, even with their gorged out eyes and their matted fur; they can sense my unwanted presence, and in a matter of seconds I could be swept up in their great jaws and swallowed whole –Jaeden and all.
Once past the sirens, I allow my heart to calm and my feet to slow, and I pull Jaeden closer to me in an attempt to suppress the bubbling fear that comes with a lack of knowing. I’m close. I can feel it in the reverberating air, in the low moan of the trees and the sharp screeching of death birds. As I stumble along and the trees growing thicker and the moon gets lower and the light grows dimmer, I arrive. My body presses against the cold wall. My hands run along the rough and ragged surface, the bandages I have wrapped around my hands getting ripped in the process. I crane my head to look upwards, desperately trying, like every other Thursday, to see where the massive barrier ends.
If there is an end, the crows don’t allow my dim eyes to see. They’re like a great haunting shadow –too many to count. Now that I’ve reached The Border, the sound of gallows that escape their filthy beaks makes my ears ring. Protectively, I cover Jaeden’s ears –they’ve always been sensitive. Every Thursday I sneak out to the outskirts of the Crypt, fleeing the confines of The Tower just so I may have this brief moment with The Wall. That’s not its name, of course. It has not been dubbed by Papa. Or if it has been named, Papa does not let me know. In the minds of my keepers, this tower is not something included in the small landscape of my knowledge. I close my eyes and let the crow’s ballads effervesce within me.
My ears ache and my eyes sting from being exposed too-long to the poisoning air. But I can’t bear to drag myself from the mysterious barricade. Not yet.
Suddenly, the deafening scream of one of the black monstrous beings bellows past all of the others, and feathers the color of le soir fall like snowy ashes from the sky. Cautiously my head creeps upwards, just in time to see a black mass of bird fall from the sky like a dead-star. Its foot gleams with a luminosity that I’ve never seen before, and instinctively –like a moth to a flame– my feet drag towards the falling mass in hesitant curiosity. Torn between letting fear guide me back to my prison and quickening my pace towards the disgustingly majestic corvus, I could not bring myself to move any faster than the molasses-like speed I was going.
“Perhaps Papa filled Jaeden with obsidian last night without me knowing?”
Yes, his weight was causing my slowed-movement. It was probably Papa’s new innovative form of keeping me in shape; he was always finding ways to keep his little girl fit and healthy, when her daily exercise consisted of pacing the confines of the 20 foot-radius room.
There he was. He –not it. This creature deserved far better, indeed. My bloodied fingers reached to stroke the bruised-colour of his feathers, the silky-smooth texture serving as a layer that protected my chilled fingertips from coming in contact with the dead flesh. Secretly part of me wanted to know what it felt like –death, that is. Everything in this world of mine had a nonliving air to it, but not so much lacking as death. Still, the distilled fear in me held me back. Drawing my hand away from the bird I pulled Jaeden closer to me, instinctively pulling his floppy ears into my rotted mouth to suck on. Today, it brought no nostalgic comfort.
As I looked upon this dead feathered bird –its size that of a small dog–an unspeakable sadness swept through me. What life had this bird had? Freedom –a concept I have never known, would he miss it? Would he know what he had lost?
My eyes drifted from his blank beaded eyes down to his long scaled legs. Sometimes when merchants stop by The Tower, they mention the models from far-off fairy tales, with their long, glamorous legs. I wonder if their legs resemble his. It was now that I noticed the bracelet around his ankle. Bracelet? No, a ring. Again, I found myself drawing towards this crow, my hand reaching towards its foot and the treasure it kept.
Cautiously, my small fingers grasped the foot. Its leg was hard and scaly –not to mention cold. The claw itself was far larger in comparison to the thin leg, making it impossible for the ring to be removed. “How curious…” I tugged slightly on the silver ring, and as if triggered, the claw curled into itself. A scream escaped my mouth and I leapt away –dragging Jaeden along behind me- and found safety behind a dark twisted tree. My head peeked from behind the creeping branches, staring at the curled claw and the glimmering jewel it selfishly kept to itself –even in death.
“Oh, Jaeden. How I want that ring…” Again, I pulled his ears into my mouth and chewed, contemplating. “That’s it!” I said, gasping. Propping Jaeden up against the tree trunk, I shook my finger at him. “I’ll only be a moment, so stay put, will you?”
The pebbles beneath me scattered as I quickly scrambled towards the crow, glancing at the sliver of a moon that would soon be replaced by the too-bright golden sun. I didn’t have much time. Grasping the crow’s leg between my hands, I squeezed my eyes shut and snapped the crow’s leg clean off, cringing at the sound of breaking bone. Without opening my eyes I felt for the ring and slide it off the now severed leg, backing away with the ring tight in my hand. Turning, I peeked open my eyes and stared down at the small piece of jewelry, a smile spreading across my lips. Surprisingly, the ring was clean and without blood. Crawling over to Jaeden, I grinned, waving the ring in his face. “Look! I got it!” I giggled and slipped the ring on my finger before tucking Jaeden into my arms and standing. “Let’s go Jaeden, before the sun rises.”
——
On my way back to The Tower, I couldn’t stop grinning. Perhaps this was the key to what was beyond The Wall? My pace quickened as I passed the sirens once more. The hounds were always a danger, and as the moon sank their strength rose. I could hear them howling. They must have been waiting. They must have caught on to my Thursday routine. They must have planned this.
I ran.
Their howling grew louder and out of the corner of my eye I could see them emerge from between the sirens. The door to The Tower was in sight. I could make it! My feet barely touched the ground as I sprinted towards the door, but Jaeden’s weight was slowing me down. A tear slipped down my cheek. “I’m sorry, Jaeden… This ring is much too important…” I whispered, and in one swift motion I spun around –still running backwards– and threw Jaeden the opposite direction of me and the hounds. They took the bait. Seeing the flying object, they turned and tried to catch it, to eat it, starved as they were.
I made it to the door. Panting with tears streaming down my face, I slipped inside. My breathing was much too loud, and surely it would wake Mum and Papa. Covering my mouth with my hands, I sneaked back up the stairs and to the safety of my chamber.
It was only when I had shut the curtains of my bed and was deep under my thick velvet duvet that I dared examine the ring.
My eyes having adjusted to the dark, I turned the ring over and over again in my hand. Feeling it carefully with my fingers, I suddenly noticed a small latch on the ring. Throwing the duvet back, I stared at the ring with a new sense of awe. Without thinking I unlatched the compartment. Inside, a small curled up piece of paper greeted me, along with a tiny pinch of white powder. Carefully –without spilling the powder– I took the slip of paper and closed the ring once again. Uncurling the note, I stared, trying to understand what it meant. Although I was learning, I still hadn’t quite mastered the art of reading.
“The powder provided will bring escape. Digest the sample and a deep sleep will send you to a far better world than the one in which you live.”
I glanced at the ring. A far better world? Meaning there was another world other than the one I was in now? Was it what was beyond The Wall? Or even farther beyond that?
I chewed my lip and turned to look at my door. Papa would not be entering for another 3 minutes or so. He surely would know I took the ring; my room was too bare to be able to hide anything.
It was either I followed the note’s instructions, or wait the three minutes and loose my chance forever, not to mention an eternal sentence to the Crypt by Papa. I could either lose my life forever, or potentially gain a new and “better” one. That is, if the powder wasn’t poison… but either way, what was there to lose?
Nodding, I once again opened the ring up. “For Jaeden.” I said aloud, and turned the ring over, dumping its contents into my open and awaiting mouth and swallowing. I gagged, and almost immediately upon swallowing my stomach protested and threatened to take that powder right back the way it came. Covering my mouth, I felt tears sting my eyes. My head swam, and the whole chamber flickered black.
The last thing I remember thinking was that I had done the unthinkable and that Papa would probably not hold a funeral for me.
Comment je continuerai? Quand je ne peux pas te voir? S’il vous aide, je vivrai un peu plus. Seulement pour toi, parce que je t’aime le plus, et mon coeur est votre coeur. J’avale d’obscurité avec grandes gorgées en souriant pour toi. Je ne mourrai pas, (je ne veux pas mourir) mais aussi… je veux voir votre visage, en réalité, pas dans mes rêves.
I’m a hypocrite in the fact that everything I said in the beginning holds no weight for me now, and in this way I can feel myself unconsciously creeping towards the Mariana Trench; where on that edge if I wait long enough, it’ll be your push and my unbalance that makes me fall, perhaps dragging you with me, if I feel a need to hurt us both more than I already am. My Conscience and my Heart and my Mind are all separate literally, but not so figuratively. I, myself, am separated from these three things, and I judge what they tell me in sins of my own doing, that weigh the scale towards hell and that damnable Trench. But, while my heart beats and my mind ticks and my conscience counts my sins, I smile for your sake -but more so my own, because F E A R is everyone’s greatest enemy, no? And we may love but we -I, secretly doubt and despise myself, and to protect myself and your heart I plead silence, and suffer in that dark shadow of myself with somber pride.
